Speaking at a funeral

Glossophobia - or a fear of public speaking - is a very common phobia and one that is believed to affect up to 75% of the population. Many of us will try to avoid public speaking situations at all costs and, if thrown into a situation where it can’t be avoided, will feel extremely nervous.

While we might find ourselves facing up to the challenge of speaking at a wedding or in a work situation, at some point we could be offered an opportunity to deliver a eulogy. While this can seem like a huge responsibility, in many ways it is also an honour.

The word eulogy comes from two Classical Greek words: eu, meaning ‘well’ or ‘true’ and logia, ‘words’ or ‘text’. According to Andrew Motion, former poet laureate, who wrote a eulogy for The Queen Mother, a eulogy ‘might move us to tears, but it will start to heal us too’.

While many of our funerals at Tester & Jones are led by a minister or celebrant, over the years we have seen more family members taking part in a service by reading a poem or delivering a eulogy. Even if somebody is usually not used to public speaking, they often feel that it’s something they should do. Somebody we spoke to recently wrote and read the eulogy at their brother’s funeral and said it was their last chance to do ‘something for him’.

Of course, there is no obligation to speak at a funeral and whoever is leading the service for you – minister or celebrant - will be more than happy to sit with you and learn about your loved one. They will then craft some words for you, based on your memories, which they can deliver.  Alternatively, you could write something and the celebrant or a friend/family member could read this out – making it clear they are your words.

If you do opt to deliver a eulogy, people will appreciate that you will no doubt be feeling emotional. If you feel nervous or unsure of how you’ll feel on the day, you could nominate a ‘stand in’, who is ready in the wings. Then, if you simply feel you can’t speak on the day, they are ready to read your words for you or take over, if you feel overwhelmed. Alternatively, you might feel happier with somebody you are close to simply standing by your side for support and that’s fine.

There is no correct tone for a eulogy – it very much depends on the person you are speaking about. If that person was quite serious or formal, then the eulogy should reflect that. If they were the life and soul of a party – then something lighter may suit the situation better.

Here are some tips:

·       If you are the only person speaking – then perhaps chat with friends and family members to collect some of their memories to share.

·       Don’t turn it into a long list of life events from birth onwards. Pick out some key moments.

·       Be honest. If your loved one shouted at opposing football teams on the TV or baked terrible cakes, then talk about that.

·       Speak slowly and, even if you think you don’t think you’ll need your notes, keep a copy of them in your hand.

·       Practice your speech out loud before the service as many times as you can. You’ll start to notice how it flows and if you need to smooth out any rough edges.

·       Make sure you know when you’re delivering your eulogy during the service, so you’re not taken by surprise.

·       It’s sensible to find a seat at the end of a row, so you’re not having to push past people when it’s your turn to speak.

If you want to talk to us about planning a funeral service or writing a eulogy, then do call us on: 01892 611811 or drop in.